God, I hate this place sometimes. I had a dream about home and I didn’t realize how much I miss the ocean and my family. Sometimes I really do get lonely… it’s probably just the hormones.

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So Miley Cyrus decided to do some “topless” pictures and everyone is in an uproar. I think it’s ridiculous that she’s the center of a Vanity Fair photo shoot at fifteen, anyway, but that’s why I’m not in show biz.

Anyways, didn’t Brooke Shields do that when she was like 10? She turned out halfway decent.

People are acting like Mother Theresa flashed her Va-jay-jay on Girls Gone Wild. Geez, if we could just get this up in arms about the price of milk and gas or the war in Iraq.

Priorities, people, priorities!

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So, Friday night I drove to the store to get vanilla because every good housewife knows that you can’t bake banana bread without vanilla. Anyway, the window was open and I felt something go into my eye. No big deal, I’ll get it out when I take out my contact lenses. Well, by the end of the night, my eye was killing me.

Saturday morning, I wake up in pain. For the life of me I can’t find out what is in my eye. I tell Husband to take me to the emergency room and he tells me to suck it up. Basically, I spend my whole Saturday in bed because sleeping was the only thing that made my eye feel better. I ask Husband to take me to the emergency room and he tells me that he can’t believe that I’m being such a baby about the whole thing. And he doesn’t take me.

I wake up on Sunday morning and my eye still hurts. Now it’s 4 in the morning, so I take a shower and eat breakfast and DRIVE MY ONE EYED SELF to the emergency room. Turns out I have a scratched cornea. They give me some medicine and an eye patch and directions not to drive and send me home. I get home before anyone gets up.

After my husband gets up, I tell him what the doctor said and I tell him I’m going to take a nap and to wake up me up in 1 hour so he can take me grocery shopping before spends his afternoon on Everquest (geeky online game). Well, he doesn’t wake me up and I wake up about an hour before his game is supposed to start AND HE REFUSES TO TAKE ME TO THE GROCERY STORE. We need food, so I take my ONE EYED SELF out to the car and DRIVE (when I’m not supposed to) to the grocery store and go grocery shopping. I get home and there is no, “Thank you honey for feeding our family,” NOTHING. At least he took half the groceries into the house.

Now, my husband is pretty decent. He doesn’t drink, do drugs or cheat. He takes Peanut off my hands occasionally so I can have a break. When he’s good, he’s very good.

When he’s bad, he’s just a douche.

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-Husband walks in the house after getting a hair cut.

-Peanut looks up, scrunches up her nose and says, “What did you do to your head?”

-I laugh my ass off.

Fini

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I have tried to potty train Peanut numerous times, to no avail. I started at 18 months and tried about 2 or 3 times after that. She wouldn’t do it. She cried. She peed her pants. She peed in her Pull-up. She basically said, “Screw you, Mommy, I ain’t using that potty. I’ll be in diapers until college. Mmmwahhhhh (evil laugh).” Not really, but that’s what it felt like.

At 27 months (last month), I tried again. I was desperate this time because we have a new baby coming and I don’t want to be changing a million diapers everyday. I looked things up on the internet. I read articles. The only things I hadn’t tried was the “Naked and 75 dollars” method and candy bribery. I decided to suck it up and combine the two. Now the “Naked and 75 dollars” method is pretty simple. Let the kid go naked from the waist down all day and when the kid is potty trained it’ll cost 75 dollars to clean the carpet. Luckily, my husband so romantically bought me a carpet cleaner for our anniversary, so I didn’t have to worry about the 75 dollars part. It was just naked potty training and M & M bribery.

I took off Peanut’s diaper and pants and told her, “Don’t pee or poop on the carpet, it goes in the potty.” Lo and behold, it worked! In three days she was peeing and pooping regularly! And I was ecstatic. I danced, I sang, I had a party. Who knew that bodily waste in a plastic pot could bring so much joy.

We’ve had one bad side effect from the Naked Method. Peanut now hates to wear pants and underwear. So now I’ve turned her into Britney Spears, but at least I don’t have to change her diaper. Hopefully sher doesn’t shave her head…

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