So my doctor thinks I am an excellent candidate for VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and I am. I went into labor with Peanut on my own and was 4 cm dilated after only 3 1/2 hours of labor. Unfortunately, Miss Peanut was breech and I was in so much pain that I didn’t even want to hear about trying to turn her around. So C-section it was.

Actually, I don’t know why people complain about C-sections. Mine was just lovely. I took pain pills at regular intervals, so I was relatively pain free, I was bringing laundry down 2 flights of stairs a week after coming home and my baby’s head wasn’t misshapen in a freaky ass way. The only thing is, my husband busts my beans about “taking the easy way out” and for some reason I honestly feel like I missed out on something.

That being said, I have decided to go the vaginal birth route.And I am absolutely petrified. I had back labor with Peanut, and though I didn’t have a long labor with Peanut, it hurt like a mofo. Lamaze breathing made hyperventilate, so that was useless. I don’t think I will be able to stand the pain until I can get an epidural. My husband may or may not be maimed during this next baby’s birth because I just cannot stand the pain. The word ‘episiotomy’ just makes me shudder.

So I don’t know what to do. I’m determined to go this vaginal birth route, but my fear is ruining it for me. Maybe I should just go with the c-section. I think I’m gonna back and forth on this for a while.

P.S. The baby’s new name is Cletus the Fetus.

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Unlike some other blogs, the search terms that people use to get to my blog are not that freaky. The top five are:
1. ma
2. child
3. sunday
4. the hollow possum
5. hanging

Not too weird, right? Then I get these two:

-Tonsil enema (okay, I don’t even want to know what that person is looking for)

And

-Raunch stories stink (sounds yummy)

Believe it or not, I’m a little disappointed that the search terms aren’t a little freakier.

They make for a great post.

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I just got a Grendel story in from Anonymous Coworker 2 (AC 2). Now AC 2 has worked with Grendel for YEARS. God, I don’t know how she does it. Anyway, the whole department probably would fall apart if not for AC 2. Besides being there for a long time, she really knows what she’s doing and even though she is part time, she helps out a hell of a lot.

Now that we have that background, you need to know that Grendel sets the department clocks 5 minutes ahead. This way she can get people out early when the library closes so she rush home and sacrifice goats or whatever she does. As long as AC 2 has worked there, as long as I ever worked there, basically since the beginning of time, the whole department has always gone by the clock that hangs directly across from the desk. So one day, that time piece says 1:00, time for AC 2 to go home. She gets her stuff and leaves and all is well, right?

WRONG. The next Grendel says, “Why did you leave early?” And AC 2 is like, “I just went by the same clock we always do.” Grendel says, “You are paid to stay until 1:00.” Then AC2 comes back with, “I’m also paid to work from 9 AM until 1PM, and I always come in early. But if I get paid to stay until 1 then I get paid to come in at 9. I’ll come in at 9 from now on.”

Now Grendel tries to argue she needs to come in early enough to get the department ready for the day (i.e. turn on computers which takes 30 seconds at most). This really isn’t in AC 2’s job description. So AC 2 talks to the assistant director about the problem, and she basically tells AC 2 to do what she needs to do.

I hope AC 2 sticks to her guns. Grendel needs to know that random harpiness will not be tolerated.

Actually, I hope AC 2 leaves, because then Grendel will really be up shit’s creek.

And we will all laugh and laugh.

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Dear Peanut,

I’m sorry that I laughed hysterically when your father said, “Look a the witch on T.V.” and you said, “What bitch?” I’m also sorry that I giggle when you look at the COCK (translation: CLOCK) every time you want to know what time it is. I am barely mature enough to be your mother. You poor, poor child.

Dear Husband,

I’m sorry that I just had to eat a steak (complete with steak sauce) in bed at midnight last night. I am pregnant and I have cravings. I know that I am disgusting and maybe a stronger woman would be able to fight the cravings, but I cannot. Let’s just try to get over this and move on.

Dear Unborn Child,

I know that I have been calling you “Damn Baby,” every time you kick me or almost make me pee my pants or give me cramps that make me want to kill myself. Just think of it as a term of endearment. Really. I love you.

That is all.

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Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. This man was the first movie star crush I’ve ever had and it’s terribly upsetting.

It was 1988 and Dirty Dancing was out on VHS. I watched that movie everyday, faithfully, that entire summer. I danced, I sang. It was a summer of pure joy. I still love that movie until this day.

This is also the man who uttered the best movie line ever, “Pain don’t hurt,” in another cinematic masterpiece called Roadhouse (okay, that’s going a little too far, but I do love that flick).

Let’s hope he turns out to be okay.

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