Tuesday mornings at the library were usually fun. Grendel didn’t come until the afternoon, it was quiet and me and my homey P would just hang out and have fun. Then one day Princess came (her name wasn’t really Princess, but it was close). Princess was loud and kind of white-trashy (I just invented that word). She needed to find an apartment in Georgia that would accept section 8. And she didn’t know how to use a computer which is fine, but she was LOUD.

“MISS! MISS! COULD YOU HELP ME? I NEED TO (and proceeds to tell me her life story).” I already knew that I didn’t want to help her because she managed to annoy me and blow out my ear drums within the first five seconds of her being there. I tried telling her that I could help her as much as I could, but that this was the Children’s Department and we really didn’t do stuff like that. Maybe she should try the Reference Dept.

“NO. THEY DON’T WANT TO HELP ME UP THERE!” I couldn’t blame them, but I felt a little bad, so I proceeded to do a search for her. Everything I did was not good enough. “TOO EXPENSIVE! NOT CLOSE TO WHERE I NEED TO BE!” Alright, this is the best I can do. Then she pokes the flat screen monitor with a pen and leaves a mark, which pissed me off.

I ended up telling Grendel about the ordeal. Her evilness came in handy when she told me not to help her anymore. It took a few times but Princess finally got the hint and didn’t come in anymore.

Thank God.

She probably found a place in Georgia.

–>

Talk to my BFF on Yahoo Messenger today. We have some weird conversations. Take our discussion today for example, very bizarre, but normal for us. This is word for word (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

J= Me
ET= My BFF

ET: I’m geeking it up

J: i heard

ET: I ended up at the [the boyfriend’s parents’] to swim after my laundromat trip

J: how many buffs you got so far?
J: I sweat my arse off vacuuming my car

ET: Oh I am buffed baby
ET: thats what I did. Sweat like a damn pig

J: I thought u were on a raid

ET: I am.

J: chatting and raiding, isn’t that against EQ bylaw 718 subsection 2?

ET: no its bylaw 612 subsection 22 column A

J: oh, at least i was close
J: Shrek 2 has a mean ass soundtrack

ET: Do you rock out to it in your car?
ET: [My sister] listens to Skippy Jon Jones in her car

J: If I had it I probably would. I usually just rock out to the wiggles (oh captain feathersword)

ET: you’re sick
ET: I died. And then they proceeded to ass rape me right and proper
ET: Oh thank you?

J: i bet they didn’t even use lube

ET: Nope it was dry. I think the friction caused an ass fire

J: ass o’ fire– could be a movie title

ET: Who would be the star? Will Ferrel

J: Tom Cruise, he’s a butt pirate

ET: He’s a tool

J: a tool used for enemas

ET: correct!

J: is there actually an enema tool?

ET: Yes it is a hot water bottle with a hose attached

J: sounds hot

ET: You can use hot water. Like on Sybil

J: Sybil had an enema??
J: I did not know you were so enema aware

ET: Sybils mother used to give her enema’s with boiling water. Haven’t you ever seen that movie?

J: I vaguely remember seeing it when I was little
J: Guess the enema thing didn’t stick with me

ET: and they took her tonsils out without anesthesia

J: Why?

ET: Because her mother was an evil bitch. She had like 27 different personalities
ET: Sybil not her mother

J: I know she had 27 personalities, she didn’t make a peep thru childbirth either. That’s the part I remember.

ET: I need to read that book. It’s called When Rabbit Howls, isn’t it?

J: Just because I’m a librarian doesn’t mean that i know every book in existence.
J: [Peanut] is waving at your pic and saying hi

ET: Yes it does. You have become a book eater. I fear for your soul

J: my souls been like swiss cheese for years

ET: Sweet.

J: I am now satan’s squeeze

ET: No your Satan’s cheese

J: mmm, cheese

ET: I want pizza now

J: mmm, pizza
J: mmm, enema

ET: mmmmmm

J: Just kidding

ET: oh. Yeah…..me too
ET: >:)

J: I am so hungry. I should go prepare the roast beast

ET: I know this is geeky but fighting is about to commence. Go fix your massive meat dinner of carnage. I ruvs
ET: Kiss [Peanut] for me.

J: I ruvs too. Talk to you soon.
J: I will

________________________________________________________________________________

Sundays filled with talks of enemas.

Quality.

–>

I was laying on the floor behind the couch and I hear Peanut saying “Cheese, cheese.” I look up and she’s hanging over the back of the couch with my camera up to her eye saying, “Cheese, cheese!”

Too freaking cute!

Oh no, I’ve become the kind of parent that used to make me want to purge.

Save me.

–>

Now that Peanut is over a year and a half old, her little personality has been creeping out. She actually rolled her eyes at me the other day. I’ve caught her more than once practicing dirt looks in the mirror. I must say, she’s getting quite good at them.

She is a little odd, though. I can’t let her play with crayons because she eats them. She doesn’t just nibble, she takes big chunks out of them and chows down like they’re chocolate cake.

What disturbs me most is her obsession for underwear and feminine products. Close your eyes. Let your mind go blank. Now picture a sweet looking blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler. Picture that toddler running around with her Mommy’s underwear on her head and two tampon drumsticks. This is what she likes to do. I live in fear for the day she strangles herself with a bra she’s casually put around her neck. I took a shower this morning and she had taken a whole box of tampons from my bathroom. I have no idea what she did with them. I keep picturing myself having company and Peanut pulling out the tampons she has skillfully hidden around the house. As it is, when we do have someone over, I make sure all underclothes are locked up tight for fear she’ll come out with them on her head.

Is she normal? I don’t know.

Is she mine? Definitely.

–>

I watch WAY too much TV.

Recently I have been watching baby birthing shows. All that pain and suffering has made me realize that I REALLY want to pop out another puppy. I want another girl, too. I’ll name her Eleanor Grace (I’m sticking with first lady baby names).

I just watched an episode of Scott Baio…45 and Single. Scott Baio is such a man whore and I think it is because all the ladies want to say that did it with Chachi. Come on, you KNOW you want to say I did it with Chachi.

Right now I’m watching the World Series of Pop Culture. I SO want to be on this show. I think I would be awesome on it considering I know the most about nothing.

I tried the Celebrity Fit Club diet this week… it lasted 2 days. I’m destined to be a fatty forever.

I’m so mad that there were like only 5 episodes of The Starter Wife. That show kicked ass.

Have you ever watched the Duggars on the Discovery Health Channel. They have like 16 kids. They live near me (about an hour away). I want to stalk them- they are about to have their 17th kid.

On another note…

The new Harry Potter comes out on Saturday and I’m overly excited about it. To prepare I had to read the previous 6 books. It took me a week. I can’t wait to find out what happens.

Is it me or did this post come out a little on the schizophrenic side?

–>