Well not exactly. I had some trauma this weekend. Yes, it included the ingestion of feces, but no one died. The day started off normally. I was busy in the morning, and Peanut mentioned that she went potty, but since I was busy, I did not empty it right away. She also mentioned that she went pee-pee AND poopy. Keep this fact in mind.

My dog comes up to me and Lord, did he stink! He smelled like really horrible breath. I figured that it was just because I have been giving him garlic and yeast pills for his skin everyday. Little did I know…

So I go into the bathroom and I look in the potty. There’s a small trace of pee in there and a flushable wipe on the floor. Then it dawns on me. I run out of the bathroom screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!” like some lame 80’s action movie. I couldn’t believe it. My dog ate my daughter’s shit. Yes he ate it.

I threw him outside until I could figure out what to do. Unfortunately, there was a thunderstorm and he was so afraid to be outside. I put his food and water out there and let him sit for an hour.

Then I got a brand new still-in-the-package toothbrush and my daughter’s toddler toothpaste and went outside to brush his teeth.
His breath wasn’t that bad. Then I gave him a bunch of cinnamon Altoids and Voila! good as new.

I still won’t let him lick me.

I guess my dog really does have a “potty mouth.”

***”Diabeatus” is Diabetes said Wilfred Brimley Style***

And now I actually have to WATCH WHAT I EAT! I hate that. The best part of being knocked up is eating like a pig.

I also have to check my blood sugar FOUR TIMES A DAY! Needless to say, my fingers hurt. The W@lgreens goes and screw up my testing strip order. Let me just rant a little about W@lgreens. Before I moved out here, I used C*V*S pharmacy in Home State for over 10 years. Before that, I used the family run pharmacy that was bought out by C*V*S. Never had a problem, ever. Always lovely service, always had my insurance info right. Since I’ve lived in this godforsaken place, however, nary a month goes by without pharmacy problems. I’ve had to get to get refunds THREE times. I’m just aggravated with the whole place (it has to be this particular one, too, because the reason I go to W@lgreens is because I can use the in Home State, too -no C*V*S here- and Home State W@lgreens has never given me a problem).

Actually, I’m aggravated with everything because I’M HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY! And now I want a cigarette, BADLY.

Food was my anti-drug. Now I got nothing.

I gotta go now, gotta pee.

George Carlin

[Cue freaky music]

So in the span of 24 hours Husband’s desk chair broke, my washing machine went haywire and my microwave shit the bed. Oh yeah, and I sneezed and peed my pants because the child I am incubating likes to lay on my bladder. The peeing in the pants was just the icing on the cake.

So I haven’t written in a while. Lots of things have been going on. I have been informed that I have high blood sugar. I have to see a dietitian on Tuesday. I still can’t stop eating. I FINALLY, COMPLETELY quit smoking (it’s been about 3 weeks) and I swear if I didn’t stuff my face constantly, I would not know what to do with myself.

I have renamed Cetus the Fetus. He is now Orville Redenbarker. He is constantly moving, it feels like popcorn popping. Peanut never moved this much.

Speaking of Peanut, I look at her and everyday I am amazed at how much of a big girl she is becoming. She finally got a big girl bed that she transfered into without much fuss (her toddler bed, converted from the crib, is now back into crib form waiting for Orville). There are, apparently, “scary dinosaurs,” that live in her closet. She actually likes dinosaurs but everything scares her lately- flies, the dog, Husband. Luckily, she’s not being lame about it and freaking out. She just says, “Doggy scared me!” and that’s it.

We were thinking about sending her to preschool a couple of days a week when Orville pops out, for social reasons, but we can’t afford it now (stupid medical bills). I’ve actually been thinking about homeschooling her for a little while. We made fossils the other day and it was fun. I wouldn’t mind doing that everyday, but she still needs social interaction. I’m afraid I’ve turned her into a hermit. She doesn’t even want to play with other kids anymore. I have to force her to go to the Y so she can see other kids (of course she doesn’t want to leave when she gets there). Of course as it gets closer to the end of my pregnancy, there’s only so much exercising I can do, so we have been going less and less.

It is my fault. I have absolutely no desire to socialize with anyone here. I talk to my mom and ET every single day and I honestly don’t feel like making new friends. I just worry about my kid becoming an introverted freak. I have visions of her sniping people from a clock tower vantage point and blaming me.

On a brighter note, my parents are visiting for 2 whole weeks in September. Then, we are traveling back to Home State for Thanksgiving. We plan on having a birthday party for Peanut while we are there. She really wants one.

Well, I think I went and peed my pants again. I guess that ends this post.

OBAMA!